Chilli burns

Yesterday, 2 of my friends complained that the "Dan Dan" noodles from the Enclave gave "shigella like diarrhea with burning sensations." (what a quote). Hence in the joke corner, I shall add definitions on the different ways excrement can leave the body. I apologise for the frequency of the words "shit" and "asshole" appearing below and would like to assure everyone that they are not and will never be part of my normal vocabulary.

Also, I enjoyed the table tennis game yesterday. Finally I can return MM's nasty spins. Also, I succeeded in smashing too!

Jokes:

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Szechuan Food Shit (also called Screamers) --***
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit -- ***
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car/bus/MRT in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange corner

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Of friends and farts

Today I had lunch with 3 anonymous friends. As we were waiting for the lift, person A touched a pole that we believed was contaminated with VRE. As the discussion went on, the topic turned to farts and person A (who by now desperately wanted to sterilise his/her hand and refused to contaminate any belongings of his/hers) asked casually :" When you fart, isn't there water coming out?"

Everyone was shocked. Thus, I shall post some definitions about farts in the joke corner. However, the list does not include wet farts so the affected person should seek help elsewhere.

Jokes:

The Vain Person -- One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person -- One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person -- One who thinks his farts are exceptionably fine.
The Shy Person -- One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person -- One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate PersonOne who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person -- One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person -- One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person -- One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person -- One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person -- One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person -- One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person -- One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person -- One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person -- One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person -- One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

Teachings

I am glad I went for MDC today cos the speaker from outside was showering all present with gems of knowledge and conduct.

All that came after a trip to Maxwell market for lunch where stalls like "Wonderful" - Wang De Fu in mandarin, "Sweet heart" dessert stall and 69 tea house?! existed

Should you like Fuchou ball noodles, be prepared to get only one miserable Fuchou ball. Also, never retain any bowl or plate to spit seeds, etc because the uncle there does not like any component of the set of plates to go missing.

Jokes

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill."
What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting until the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

Happy new year

Happy new year to you!

Yes 933 held its annual tally of music chart results over 2 days. It was a little disappointing cos Stefanie Sun only managed a 2nd position, trailing Jolin Sai by 50 points. (Ok, that's quite incredible considering that she has no new album this year but still...I think her fans should have voted for First Day. Had we done so, Jolin would not have been No 1)

"Rainy Day" though was the champion song for the year with 201 points, suppressing Wang Li Hom's "Kiss Goodbye" by 10 odd points. It's still on the charts at No 10. Must keep it going...

"Rainy Day" also came up top in the "Top 100 chart" that ranked songs based on their airplay & dedication frequencies as well as chart scores. Wang Li Hom really kissed goodbye to the top spots but I hope he'll do a little better next year

Don't expect any mercy from us next yr when Stefanie releases her new album! ( And I missed out the "T" above on purpose)

Jokes:

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


A blonde calls Singapore Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from here to San Francisco?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.